Funny Things I Like: February 2012

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cook book once', said the first, 'but I could never do anything with it.'
'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked the second. 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Meaning of Life

Dolphins

Q: What did the Denver Broncos get for trading Brandon Marshall to the Miami Dolphins?

A: A first round pick and a felon to be named later!

Q: Why did Bill Parcells go to the bank?

A: To get his quater back!

Q: What was Chad Henne's latest injury in a Miami Dolphins uniform?

A: A torn labia!

Q: What do you call a Miami Dolphin with a Super Bowl ring?

A: A thief.

Haters

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

Rabbit Rabbit

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Doctor Doctor

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Portable Internet?

This is exactly the type of question that my mum would ask!

Thursday, 23 February 2012

How Does That Make You Feel?

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

No Clue How It Happened

No clue how it happened? Ive had nights like that before.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"